Friday, August 13, 2010

My Tiny Heart

so many beats
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This is something that I've been really conflicted about sharing here. I think this past weekend with other bloggers made me realize that sometimes it's better to reach out and share than sit quietly in the dark.
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I've hit a rough patch these last few weeks. Kevin and I broke up on the 30th of July. I never went to Delaware that weekend. It was his decision entirely. I won't get into too many details because this is a public space and breakups are a really personal experience, but I will say that it was unexpected and I haven't spoken to him in any form since then. There was no explanation for the ubrupt end put on a 4 year relationship, although I have my guesses. You pour all this emotion and all this time into one person and then just like that, they're gone.
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I felt like I needed to out my break up for a few reasons. It explains my absence, and it also explains why his face will never show up here again. He was one of my biggest blog supporters and took all my pictures. So as far as blogging, I'm not sure where that leaves me. I want to do it, I love doing it, I love the connections made, but I'm not sure in what capacity I will continue. It's hard even being on the blog now. There are so many reminders. And sometimes when I have to scroll through pictures, my old relationship is right there staring me in the face.
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As well as this, I have been going through a breakup of sort with the friends in my life. Certain events have taken place, and it has put a lot into perspective for me. I can't put myself in a position to be hurt by the people in my life anymore. I don't gain anything out of those relationships and it's time to move on. 
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The relationships I've had have been failing. It beyond blows my mind that people I've never met, these bloggers out there, have become some of the most supportive people to me in all this life mess. It was great to see and meet Merl this past weekend. She's one of the people who has really supported me through all this. It was such a welcome surprise that we were able to be friends when we had only actually just met. It gives me such hope for the relationships I've yet to create in my life. All the wonderful people out there who haven't found their way in yet.
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Blaque Label Top, Scoop Jeans, Jeffrey Campbell Sandals
Great Great Aunt's Gold Feather Earrings, Grandmother's Opal Ring, Tree and Kimball Necklace

I'm going to take some trips in the coming months, partly to rediscover myself, partly to unwind, partly to meet all these new friends face to face. 
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I'm still trying to go through everything in my life and make the most of the parts that truly matter to me. I know I will land on me feet, right now it's just about getting there. 
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Photography by Steve Hanson
More on ¡OH MY GATOS! and Morgan and Lua Tumblr
So that's where my life is right now. I hope you all can understand why I haven't been as visible here. I'm looking forward to the future now. Only good things to come. 

signature_jane

20 comments:

libys11 said...

oh wow.. this is such a heavy post, but im glad you're able to let it out like that. it helps you know.. :) have all the time you want.. i think, more than anything, right now is the perfect time to surround yourself with people you know, you love and that will completely understand whatever you're going through..

cyber *hug*

Animated Confessions

Belle said...

I'm so sorry, Morgan. I'll pray for you.

tree and kimball said...

morgan: i've been going through a rough patch of my own, for different reasons, so although i don't feel i am particularly in a position to be giving advice, i do *really* want to let you know that you are not alone. things seems bleak & probably the smallest things set you off & you find yourself a mess (i speak from experience here)... but that's okay. give yourself time to grieve. spend time with the very best people you have in your life, old friends & new. you'll get through this. you are a lovely, smart, & interesting person & you'll come out on the other side of this experience as an even better person. i have absolute faith in you & am here if you need me.

xx
lisa

KristiMcMurry said...

I can't even imagine what you're going through...4 years is a long time to devote to someone. I hope you're able to recover quickly! I'm glad you shared this...I'm sure that's at least a little bit "therapeutic."

Let us know if we can do anything to cheer you up!

Bad Taste Toast said...

I'm sorry about what happened to you in the last weeks. It's the right decision to let the blog be a blog and concentrate on other things now, like the trips youre planning. I hope they'll help you rearrange everything in our life and find new strength and motivation.
I wish you all the best and hope you'll get through these hard times quickly and that you'll be able to draw new power out of everything that happened in the end.

Little Ocean Annie said...

Oh, beautiful lady. I am so sorry about this, I can't imagine what you're going through. Sending good thoughts and hugs your way.
I really know what you mean about bloggers as friends. I'm going through "friend break-ups" right now, too, with girls that used to be my closest friends, or so I thought. Friendships need to be a nurturing, encouraging, supportive two way street. If you have to find that online, then do it. Some of the most supportive girls I've ever become friends with I have yet to meet in real life!
Take all the time you need to be better, we'll be here when you need a distraction. And I'll be seeing you in a month!

xoxo

mvelis said...

Sorry Morgan, i know its tough... but you got to keep on.

Good luck and keep your head up!

ps. his loss : )

Vanessa said...

What a devastating thing to go thru - 4 years and then nothing? That's not an easy situation to deal with. Howeverrrr....I just started reading your blog (literally) yesterday, and I really enjoy your point of view, fashion, and your love for dogs - I, too, happen to be dog-obsessed. Please keep writing for us little folks :o)

merl said...

Miss Morgan-

I can't tell you how freaking nervous and excited I was to meet you. I was a little worried you would speak in code and make me look like an idiot when I stared dumbfounded.. and even though you did, it wasn't as awkward as I had thought. That aside.. you're everything I could've hoped for in a blogging friend, and real life friend. I felt like we 'got' each other and that's very hard to come by for moi. Kevin is an effin idiot, and hearing how he ended things just makes me happy that you're not with him anymore. Talk about better without! Especially when there are better options out there. Gold chains draped upon your body won't hurt. Mr @copsarecomin done good today, but I don't want to see you slacking because you are scared of the tripod.. Maybe that's the next trick you can teach Lua? Although maybe convincing her not to try and eat small dogs is next up...

Moral of the story: you are a truly beautiful person, inside and out (Hi Thandie Newton's beauty double) and I'm happy to call you a friend.

merl said...

OOOOOOOH, and I've started to compile a list of things to do in Madison in September. So far I have: drink. Good thing I have a month+ of time left to plan huh? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxo

Becca said...

Morgan, I'm so sorry that you're going through a tough time (actually, multiple hard times all at once it seems like). I'm always incredibly humbled when bloggers like yourself have the balls to share these personal experiences on their blogs. I've found this community to be so overwhelmingly supportive in the past few months, that I think if I were in your shoes I would probably do the same thing. It's always tough to toe the line between what to share and what to keep private when having a blog is all about sharing! But, just know that if you want to talk, there are hundreds of sets of ears out there willing to listen, myself included.

Onto the style part of this post, you look amazing. I don't know who this Steve character is, but he's got some serious skills behind the lens. I particularly love the image of you on the bridge. It just so beautifully encapsulates the sentiments you're sharing in this post. Not to mention that the outfit is kick ass (a good photographer only goes so far). And if you ever tire of those shoes, GIVE THEM TO ME! I'd happily endure being the giant 6 foot girl to clomp around in those babies.

Last, I just want to say stay strong! I'm sure your travels will be an eye-opening experience. I've actually been thinking about doing some traveling, myself (but for somewhat different reasons). And as to your concerns about blogging without a photographer and your main support. Get a tripod and keep on keeping on. If there is a will there is a way, and I'm entirely sure that you're going to find a way to make the blog work, and to get yourself back up and running as well!

Ok longest comment ever (sorry)! I'll shut up now.

barefootandvintage said...

we've talked a lot via bbm and a few times on the phone about this...how you're feeling, where you're at, what you want...i feel that we're going through parallel situations and i'm thankful to have you in my life. glad we "met" and started chit chatting. you are definitely better off without him and i'm so impressed with how strong you've been. it's hard to let people go, but sometimes it's necessary. it takes a certain type of person to let go of the people that have been around for years. you run the risk of feeling lost and alone, but sometimes you have to face that fear! it's the only way to grow and move forward. i'm rambling...but i adore you and want you to know that i'm always here for you...no matter what. and if lua ever gets annoying, send her my way. when she meets me, she'll probably want to stay at my house anyway. ;) (i have treats. and a ball.)
xo
paige

Santina said...

Morgan, I'm sorry to hear about this rough time; it's so sad to be disappointed by people you care for. I hope Lua has stepped it up in the snuggling department. :)

You look stunning in these photos! Stay strong!

Santina

Grace, Money Smart Fashion said...

I've been meaning to leave a comment on your blog for the longest time and as bad as a time this is I want you to know that you are an amazing blogger.

As easy as it is to walk away because of bad memories I'm sure there are plenty of people out here (myself included) that are comiserating but secretly hoping you stick with it.

Rough times suck, but they are what make you who you are.

I'm going to echo what several have already said. Say Strong.

Yuri Rose said...

You and your blog are amazing. This was so raw and honest. it's an awkward tension, to want to share but knowing it's a public space. but i think you did a great job.
i'm so sorry you are feeling so gloomy, but you are right, bright things to come.

Katie*Belle said...

I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like so much to deal with all at once. But you will absolutely come out of it, and come out of it stronger. Please continue to do exactly what you need and want to make yourself happy, healthy and fulfilled. We're rooting for you : )

Tieka, Selective Potential said...

Good things to come, promise! Just hang in there and push yourself through it! You're super strong, so I know you'll do just fine. Plus, September will make you feel better too. :)

jesse.anne.o said...

I just found your blog through some other links (forget where at this point), but I just wanted to say wow, that blows. But good for you for getting it out there in a respectful way and clearing the air.

When things like this happen, it just opens the door for something even better to come along.

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