Photos by Kim and Brian
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
My posts in the past few months have been particularly heavy and now I'm beginning to have less and less to vent about here. It might be because I'm moving into a calmer part of my life. This is a good thing. I'm crossing my fingers. While I'm starting to feel more like myself again, I'm also becoming more and more aware of how little like myself I've become.
I went through some very old pictures yesterday and started to feel like I didn't even recognize myself. So much has changed in the past few years. To start with, I was an athlete in college. I played lacrosse at a Division I school, was recruited and all that. By the end of my time there I had been playing lacrosse for ten years. Before and overlapping with that I played various other sports, rode daily and competed in horse shows every weekend. All that is so far removed from my everyday existence. However, some part of me still sees myself that way.
I started to think about how self realization seems to come at a dragged pace. Meaning we don't really ever feel like that person until we've moved past that phase. We're constantly reflecting on where we've been and applying that to our present lives. At least that seems to be the case for me. Prime example, "I'm not the type of person who take pictures of myself and puts them all over the internet and goes on and on about my private life in a public place." Except that apparently, I am.
If you were a certain way once, I think you always feel some connection to that. If you're constantly describing yourself that way, it's hard to see past it. "Oh, I'm shy." "I'm thin." "I'm heavy." "I'm nerdy." or whatever your description might be.
The case might actually be that we're holding ourselves back from being whoever we are by attaching all these adjectives to who we were. I may have described myself as athletic once, but I'm not that anymore. I may be again in the future, but not right now. I used to describe myself as shy but I'm not sure I can claim that one anymore either. At least not in the same way that I once meant it. What if the only reason I act shy is because I repeatedly describe myself that way?
Hat from Madewell, Chambray Shirt from Gap, Citizens of Humanity Jeans, Socks from Madewell
My Mom's Vintage 1960's Sweater from Iceland, Old Mittens, My Mom's Thermolite Boots
When I was looking through all the old pictures I couldn't help but think over and over again how different I am, yet I still describe myself now in many of the same ways I would have then. What's wrong with this picture? I have changed so much, shouldn't my portrayal of myself as well?
Photos by Kim and Brian
On another note, I'm very sorry I'm so far behind on writing back to all the amazing comments I've been getting lately. I just wanted to let you know how much your words, opinions, and small notes, mean to me. I'm so happy that I have this space to share and, if I'm lucky, really connect with other people. Hopefully I'll be able to get my feet back under me and start the cycle of connection all over again. In the meantime, THANK YOU.