Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Defined by Description

My posts in the past few months have been particularly heavy and now I'm beginning to have less and less to vent about here. It might be because I'm moving into a calmer part of my life. This is a good thing. I'm crossing my fingers. While I'm starting to feel more like myself again, I'm also becoming more and more aware of how little like myself I've become.
I went through some very old pictures yesterday and started to feel like I didn't even recognize myself. So much has changed in the past few years. To start with, I was an athlete in college. I played lacrosse at a Division I school, was recruited and all that. By the end of my time there I had been playing lacrosse for ten years. Before and overlapping with that I played various other sports, rode daily and competed in horse shows every weekend. All that is so far removed from my everyday existence. However, some part of me still sees myself that way.
I started to think about how self realization seems to come at a dragged pace. Meaning we don't really ever feel like that person until we've moved past that phase. We're constantly reflecting on where we've been and applying that to our present lives. At least that seems to be the case for me. Prime example, "I'm not the type of person who take pictures of myself and puts them all over the internet and goes on and on about my private life in a public place." Except that apparently, I am. 
If you were a certain way once, I think you always feel some connection to that. If you're constantly describing yourself that way, it's hard to see past it. "Oh, I'm shy." "I'm thin." "I'm heavy." "I'm nerdy." or whatever your description might be. 
The case might actually be that we're holding ourselves back from being whoever we are by attaching all these adjectives to who we were. I may have described myself as athletic once, but I'm not that anymore. I may be again in the future, but not right now. I used to describe myself as shy but I'm not sure I can claim that one anymore either. At least not in the same way that I once meant it. What if the only reason I act shy is because I repeatedly describe myself that way?  
Hat from Madewell, Chambray Shirt from Gap, Citizens of Humanity Jeans, Socks from Madewell
My Mom's Vintage 1960's Sweater from Iceland, Old Mittens, My Mom's Thermolite Boots

When I was looking through all the old pictures I couldn't help but think over and over again how different I am, yet I still describe myself now in many of the same ways I would have then. What's wrong with this picture? I have changed so much, shouldn't my portrayal of myself as well?
Kim and Brian took these pictures during their visit. I have to say, they did an amazing job! Thank you so much you two! I'll cover more about where we went and what we did for our last days at the beach in the next few posts. 
carbeach  carbeach
Photos by Kim and Brian
On another note, I'm very sorry I'm so far behind on writing back to all the amazing comments I've been getting lately. I just wanted to let you know how much your words, opinions, and small notes, mean to me. I'm so happy that I have this space to share and, if I'm lucky, really connect with other people. Hopefully I'll be able to get my feet back under me and start the cycle of connection all over again. In the meantime, THANK YOU. 



Farm Girl Fashionista said...

Great post..very timely! As someone who despises having my photo taken..I started my blog to help "find myself" or possibly another version of ME?! Still wondering if sharing this journey with the world is the right's a somewhat painful process?!
Thanks for sharing!! =)

Between Laundry Days said...

First I must comment on how supremely badass these pictures are. You've got farmgirl chic totally covered here.

Also, I love your sentiments in this post, and they're such perfect and timely reminders for me. I have changed monumentally in the past few years, mostly for the better, I think, but there are still identifiers from a life gone by that I still use to describe myself. I think I need to spend some time thinking about what parts of "me" I still identify with and what parts have changed.

Kate said...

Firstly, these photos are fantastic! I love them! As laid back & casual as they are, there is still a certain elegance to them that I can't quite put my finger on! And I absolutely relate to what you're saying - for so long I described myself in the same way! I was also an athlete! I played varsity basketball, softball and volleyball all through jr. high & high school. Now? I would be embarrassed to ever admit that I played based on my lack of skill. I wouldn't consider myself athletic at all anymore. & shy! YES, I was such a shy girl. I'm still a shy girl at heart, I think, as sometimes I really have to push myself in social situations. If I am comfortable with a person I can chat for days, but I'm an awkward girl, really. Oops, I've made this about me. And it's not. I just wanted to say that I relate, and strangely enough to the two exact examples you gave. I love your blog, Morgan. I really do! xo.

Kayla said...

I couldn't agree with your thoughts on this post any more. Not only are these photos amazing (by the way) but I completely agree with all of your thoughts. How I describe myself doesn't actually match with who I am.

I did a post about your blog today. You are just to darling for words and it was about time I shared my Girl Crush on you out loud! Thank you for continuing to post amazing thoughts and beautiful pictures!

megannielsen said...

LOVE this post sweetie!! All these photos are stunning! Seriously - you look amazing!!

Bad Taste Toast said...

These photos are beautiful! I love snow so much, you and Lua look so peaceful and happy surrounded by all the white :)

I can totally relate to what you're going through, however I think that no matter how often we change in our life, there's still a kind of core inside of us that always stays the same and that triggers certain changes. Hm, at least that's how it works in my opinion and so I think I understand life, well, or I want to understand it like that. It makes perfect sense to me but of course it might sound like perfect rubbish to you or anyone else ;)

Becca [Free Honey] said...

I was feeling the same when I was looking through my old webshots the other day. Although, I was struck by how much I'd grown up and changed for the better. I think it's hard to move away from something that defines you, in your case sports or equestrian pursuits, but you can't let what you do define who you are. Do you get what I'm trying to say here? Also, I just want to say how much I appreciate the candor you always display on this here blog. I'm usually reserved with my innermost feelings, but I always love reading your thoughts and the comments that they provoke.

Lastly, Kim and Brian did an awesome job with these photos. I need to get back on the outfit photo wagon, I just wish I had someone to take my photos!

Eleanor ~ Shopping The Closet said...

I am open mouthed in complete awe of these photos.
Your outfit, that vehicle, is as if you were all staged by a world class photographer shooting for the next issue of Vogue.

Bravo Brian and Kim!
And Morgan, I continue to stand in awe of your honesty and openness and the beauty you bring to blogging.

By far my favorite post I have read/seen this week!

devorelebeaumonstre. said...

great sweater. xx

p.s. I'm having a valentine's giveaway on my blog if you'd like to check it out. xx

Samara said...

Becca, I couldn't agree with you more. Letting what we do define who we are can be dangerous, because it doesn't allow for the numerous diversities and complexities that exist within all of us.

Morgan, please give a big thank you to Kim over at eat.sleep.wear. for introducing her readers to your gorgeous and unflinchingly honest blog. I seriously have not found one outfit yet on this blog that I haven't wanted to emulate immediately. And after looking at this post, I'm wishing (as I have many times before) that my mother had saved some of her clothes from the 60s and 70s. I WANT THAT SWEATER.

P.S. The second photo in particular just floors me. Kudos to the photographers!

veronika, tick tock vintage. said...

i feel the same; i've changed so much since i first started college. i think if it wasn't for poor decisions that i've made along the way and the lessons i learned from them, i would be in a much different place than i am now.

such gorgeous pictures, by the way. that 2nd to last one? DAYUM.

SWF_Terra said...

Absolutely. Shy, nerdy, obnoxious, loud, bland, uncreative... it's amazing the adjectives I used to describe myself when I was younger all had a negative connotation. As you said, I feel a connection with the young woman I used to be. But I reached a point a few years ago when I decided thinking of myself negatively was doing me no favors. So while that old gal creeps up on me every now and then, I try to just give her a hug and tell her it will be okay.

Hi. I like you.

Terri said...

A day will come when you look back on the multiplicity of selves you have been in your lifetime and you/she will seem like a complete stranger.

At least that has been my experience.

forefrontfash said...

i love me some new england style!


You're really coming into your own, Morgan! Isn't it exciting? It's amazing to me just how much you've evolved in the past year that I've read your blog. I think that, as we grow and change, it's ok to still hold onto the parts of our pasts that have helped to develop our personalities. Human beings are ever evolving and growing creatures, so it's only natural that we're going to change. I look at myself even a year ago as a completely different person than I am today, but the person that I was then was such an integral part of the process of becoming who I am today.

Have you ever seen the movie 'Waking Life'? If not, I think you should watch it soon. :)

SWF_Terra said...

I've already commented on this post. So what. I just wanted to tell you that I finally purchased my I'm copying Morgan floppy hat today. And I can't wait to wear the shit out of it.

Miss you.

Kirstin@CrimsonRosella said...

I love the sweater! I need a wooly warm sweater like that!

Fifth Sparrow said...

I loved this post, I could completely relate to it. And it doesn't hurt that the outfit is divine- a vintage sweater from your mum... uhm awesome.
I feel (or am finding out) that your twenties are all about challenging who you are and who you think you are. I always feel that I'm completely awkward and shy, but maybe that was just me in my teens and it's time to grow out of that. I'm trying (slowly) to not put myself in such a box.
Really though, awesome post. The only downside is that the photos make me madly miss my pup. He's back home with my parents as he's huge and would hardly fit in my tiny city apartment! xx

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